*Mom hands me phone to answer*
Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
Me: I have no mother.
Her: Well can I speak to your father?
Me: Yeah, which one?
Her: Which one is home?
Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
Her: So who's Antonio?
Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
Her: So Carlos was cheating?
Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
Me: I never said that.
Her: Yes, yes you did!
Me: No I didn't.
Her: Y-yes! You did!
Me: Did what?
Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.
ianthe: schmergo: ianthe: nothing grape flavored is flavored like grapes it’s just flavored like other grape flavored things and this is why I have trust issues FUN FACT: Grape artificial flavor was the first artificial flavor created, by accident. That means that some guy decided, “Whoa, this smells a lot like grapes,” and now everyone pretends it’s grape-y, too… It tastes like an...
ambassador-of-anguish: shouldertappingghosts: If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would ‘come clean’, telling them that I had released eleven alternate...
earthnation: deodrant: deodrant: what do u put in a toaster bread this isnt even a joke
zackisontumblr: friends with overprotective parents
i-o-u-an-assbutt: iamaproudsuperwholockian: counting-to-one-hundred: APPARENTLY ACCORDING TO CBC NEWS TUMBLR IS KNOWN FOR “Foul language and nude photos” REALLY? THATS ALL? WHY NOT THE AMAZING ARTISTS? THE SOCIAL JUSTICE? EVEN THE PHOTOGRAPHS ON THE SO CALLED “HIPSTER BLOGS” WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FOUL LANGUAGE AND NUDE PHOTOS. WE ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT Are we? yes we fucking are...
cokeflow: A blind man walks into a bar and a table and a chair
laughinggaschamber: Things that make me fall asleep really fast. when someone hums quietly. when my hair gets played with. when someone whispers a story to me. when someone traces my skin. chloroform.
sammys-life: encourage: if you think i’m ugly now you should have seen me in 2009 That just means you’re getting hotter with age
thankengine: thankengine: i figured out how to request money on paypal my mother just called and she didnt even say hello she just said no
paper-planes-and-toy-trains: you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray you’ll never know dear how much i love you please dont take my sunshine away
bigstupidbaby: personally i feel like romeo and juliet could have handled the situation better
dream-0n-dream3r: I need someone totally impartial to talk about some stuff that’s important .
People in 10,000 years: legend has it that females used to spend their whole life trying to get a thigh gap.